A German, an American, and a Mexican are traveling in the Amazon, and they get captured.The head of the tribe says to the German, “What do you want on your back for your whipping?”The German responds, “I will take oil!” So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, “What do you want on your back?” “I will take nothing!” says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.”What will you take on your back?” the Amazons ask the American. He responds, “I’ll take the Mexican.

Q: What do Mohammed and Douglas Adams have in common?A: A deep, abiding respect for the value of a towel on the head.

A husband and wife stepped up to view the body of his mother-in-law. As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said: Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway. I know he replied, I thought I saw her move!

A little girl asked santa to send her a sister. Santa said on one condition, send me your mother.

December 25 is National Jews Go to the Movies Day!-Jon Stewart

I think the real miracle of Christmasis how I get through it each year without killing my relatives!-Reno Goodale

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Clause. Unfortunately, so did my parents, so I never got anything!-Charlie Viracola

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day!-Phyllis Diller

Mail your packages early so that the post office can lose them in time for Christmas!-Johnny Carson

Here’s a money saving tip for Christmas: Glue Ju Ju Bee on a Brick and mail it out as a fruitcake!-Julie Brown