I rang the New York Police Department three times today asking them if they wanted a hand with their investigation. Each time they declined my kind offer. Fuck themˏ Iʹll just chuck it back in the river where I found it.

A policewoman arrested a man for drink driving.
The female officer tells the manˏ ʹʹSirˏ you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say canˏ and willˏ be held against you.ʹʹ
ʹʹGreat ideaʹʹ the drunk repliesˏ ʹʹtits!ʹʹ

If youʹre being chased by a police dogˏ try not to go through a tunnelˏ then onto a little seesaw and then jump through a hoop of fire.
Theyʹre trained for that.

I was arrested for impersonating a police officer last night.
It turned out alright in the end though; I let myself go without pressing any charges.

Police officers needed for G20 summit duties. Interviews are being held tomorrow. Come early… beat the crowd.

Police: How did your wife get that mark on her forehead?
Husband: She fell down the stairs.
Police: But you live in a bungalow.
Husband: Yeah but she lives in the cellar.

Police have arrested a man for selling pills that will give you eternal youth. Records show that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested.
The earlier arrests were made in 1799ˏ 1852 and 1921.

ʹʹI know what youʹre thinking: did he fire six shots or only five? Wellˏ to tell you the truthˏ in all this excitement I kinda lost track of myself butˏ being as this is a .44 Magnumˏ the most powerful handgun in the worldˏ youʹve got to ask yourself one question: do I feel lucky? Wellˏ do you punk?ʹʹ
ʹʹLook officerˏ Iʹm not even a protesterˏ Iʹm just trying to get to the mall for a sandwich.ʹʹ

The three most heart-warming words somebody can say to you:
Lack of evidence.

ʹʹYou have the right to remain silentˏ anything you say can be used as evidence in a court of lawʹʹ
ʹʹStop hitting me!ʹʹ